These are the Bands of My Life
A Rock 'N' Roll Confessional

Just for fun, I've decided to type my musical biography. Just what you wanted to hear? Doubt it. That's because every moron who's picked up a "rock 'n' roll" instrument has at some time been in a band with a bunch of other morons, who are all deluded enough to think that they can create something worth hearing. Now people can record music by themselves at home on their computer, which means there's even more crap music out there to sift through. Some people need to realise that they should stick to their day job. The same could probably be said for me, if you go by most of the crappy bands I've played with. I play the guitar, and what I've found out through the years is that every motherfucker on the planet also plays the guitar, and they want to "jam" with you. Jamming is fun for musicians if the other guy doesn't completely blow, which is usually the case. As evidenced by "Jam" bands, it's fun for the musicians to jam, but not so good for the audience. That's because it's fucking boring to listen to. So what's the point? Unless you're an allstar jazz musician, or maybe the Grateful Dead in their prime, nobody with a brain wants to hear you. Of course that kind of music draws huge crowds, but then again George Bush got elected twice (well, once legitimately), so the number of people who actually have a brain in their heads may be in the minority. My first "band" was named Dry Heave, and we played super amateur noisy crap which is in retrospect great. The band consisted of me on screaming and guitar, my friend Chris Clabbers on screaming and whatever drummer or guy who could bang on a loosely assembled drum kit was around. The "songs" sometimes consisted of "lyrics" which were written throughout the day during our long days at Neshaminy High School. The "music" was our version of punk rock, which we were into at the time. Basically, I just played spazz guitar and either Chris or I would yell some goofy lyrics. A couple of the songs which we actually had the capability to play more than once were "My Bathrobe" and "Chris Smokes Pot".
Just to give you an idea of the amount of thought which went into these brilliant compositions, here's some lyrics:

"My Bathrobe" (Clabbers/Michelfelder)

My Bathrobe
My Bathrobe
My Bathrobe
Will Live
Old Bathrobes
Never Die

Other Heave gems were mostly made up on the spot, some only a second or two long. A couple of notables are "Dick Vacuum Cleaner" and "Canker Sore". Frank Devlin wrote a controversial article about the band which appeared in the High School newspaper. (Frank later would become a professional journalist, local radio personality and amateur comedian.) Chris Clabbers incited rumours with his response to a question about whether the band was serious or not, which was "we're seriously gay". Though meant as a joke, a few idiots threw homophobic comments at us. Even more controversial was my admission that Pat Benatar drummer Myron Grombacher was a direct influence on the music. In the Heave's later years, we acquired a drummer, who actually "played" the drums, Brett R. Nielsen, who also (barely) attended Neshaminy High School. Philadelphia band the Dead Milkmen released a "best of" compilation called "Dry Heave - the Early Years", a one-sided cassette consisting of 42 songs in thirty minutes, all recorded on a boom box, or a Radio Shack "stereo" condenser mic plugged directly into a tape deck. Alas, the Milkmen got signed, and had to cease and desist selling tapes, so this classic only got into two people's hands. It's a rare gem worth hundreds of thousands of dollars on the open market. Seriously, I don't even have a copy. And don't make the mistake of paying hundreds for one of those bootleg copies that have been listed on eBay recently, they're bogus. Alright, really, it's worthless, and really, I don't have a copy, but that bit about the Milkmen releasing it is actually true.

This marks the end of the first chapter of our journey. Sometime soon, I'll be back to present to you the history of my second band, the Mezmerons.